Tuesday, September 16, 2008

What I learned from my time with the Large Hadron Collider

After smashing two atoms of bullshit together at speeds nearing that of light I stumbled upon one of those, unifying the inconceivably big and impossibly small, fabric of the universe type discoveries. "The Death Cab-ostal Service Conundrum" I have discovered that girls, in truth really don't care for Death Cab so much. I Think boys like Death Cab because they think girls like Death Cab. I get it. I suppose they do have some hummable, poppy tunes and the dude has a decent enough voice. By all rights, girls should probably like em. Then again, the dude isn't anyone most girls would ever think of as being "dreamy." Hmmm, perhaps boys like them for the fact that the dude isn't dreamy and in fact this girly voiced fat guy may just be a shade more ugly than most boys. Now do I consider myself a Death Cab dude? Nope. I'd say I'm indifferent, I just don't care.

As for the Postal Service, well it's a terrible name for a band, right down to the very last letter "e", it's just lame and is an indicator that available band names are reaching a threshold. If they were smart they would have called themselves FedEx and worked out some huge product placement deal since they seemed to be going the parcel delivery route to naming a band. Girls should not like the Postal Service. I say this chiefly because I enjoy cozy blanket statements like that. Secondly, I feel that most girls are not usually big time proponents of slightly glitchy, mildly IDM-esque, repetitive-ish synth fests. However, I will say it's done in a pop manner, which is why girls like it. The main difference between the Postal Service and much similar music, which I think most girls would dislike, is that it features vocals. Vocals by the dude from the aforementioned band, Death Cab. As for boys, well I suppose I'd say I probably like the Postal Service more than Death Cab, and that's because I'm kind of a synth nerd. I'd prefer it if the dude didn't sing, thus making it music girls should probably hate. But honestly what do i know because I was once told by someone "Ugh! You have the musical taste of a 30 year old girl!" I thought that as far as insult hurling goes, this was probably one of the best I've had hurled at me and it made me chuckle. Yeah, I like the Smiths, so fucking what? I digress. I feel that boys like the Postal Service for similar reasons to why I think they're OK but also for the same reason that they like Death Cab in the first place. It just so happens that in this case they're actually right. Girls like the Postal Service. But they shouldn't.

I will attempt to note the principles of the conundrum: Girls don't like a band that features a singer who sings for a band whose music they shouldn't like but because he is singing they really do. Lost in all this is the fact that the band they hate features a smattering of acoustic guitar laden songs with emotional and reflective lyrics sung by the same guy from the band which they like but whose music they should hate. I can site proof for the acoustic guitar theory (see below). Boys like things that they think will make girls want to let them touch their boobs. I love being a boy who likes boobs.

(From Above) The Acoustic guitar and the girls genetically programmed to like it theory proof: Janes Addiction's "Jane Says." Seriously, listen to it. There is no girl over 30 who doesn't think this is like the best Janes Addiction song ever. It has an acoustic guitar. I like that song. I have the musical taste of a 30 year old girl. Girls under 30 say "Janes WHO,WHAT? but hey, do you like the Postal Service BTW?"

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